Dealing with wealthy people all day, I tend to spend a lot of time dreaming of being rich. Not just buy a range rover rich but Buy Land Rover as a company rich. To be a billionaire would be very interesting. You would be one of only a few people in the world to be able to say that you worked hard and as a result can do or buy absolutely anything you want, even islands or countries. The problem is though, I’m a little eccentric, and therefore wouldn’t buy things like land rover. I would, most likely be doing odd things just to pass the time.
My first order of business as an eccentric billionaire would be to rent billboards all along the highways of America. On these billboards I would put the harder letters of the alphabet game, you know, the game kids play to pass time in the car. You will inevitably get stuck on a Q or a Z at some point. With this system you would be driving down the road, 60 miles an hour, “X!” some little blond haired son of the mailman will shout. “It was just on that billboard!” as the parents are looking at each other thinking, “I wonder what that was an advertisement for?” and the dad thinking, “none of us have blond hair...”
And lets face it; I think I would have a fleet of Ferraris. Chris Evans, the British talk show host, has like 15 of them, and every last one is white. I like his thinking. I think I would get suits tailored to match my cars. I also think I would build a race track on some property just outside of town and hold a monthly raffle. It would cost 1 dollar or so to enter, just to cover expenses, and the winners would be taken out and allowed to just thrash around the track in the Ferrari of their choice. I think it would be a hit. I would also keep peacocks close a hand, just cause’ they are cool.
I might even hire a band, or at least a guy with a boom box to follow me around and play theme music everywhere I went. Of course he would have full benefits, a 401K and the works. He would play triumphant music when I walked in a room, tender inspirational music when I was telling my wife I love her, and something like chariots of fire when I was at the gym or running on the beach. My life would literally sound like a movie. Awesome.
The thing about being a billionaire is that you would most likely be very lonely. You would have no one to play with because no one has the same toys as you. Its like when you were a kid and your friends are all watching a movie that you’ve seen three times already. It gets boring. They do say that money doesn’t buy happiness, but all I’m asking is for the chance to prove the theory.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Viva Las Vegas
I exited my plane in Las Vegas on Sunday night and prepared for a 3-hour layover before my connection to Albuquerque arrived. (which actually turned into a six and a half hour nightmare, ending in me arriving home at 3:00am and then having to go to work at 7:30 the very same morning) I was returning from my weekend in Spokane for my sister-in-law’s graduation. I had 3 hours to kill and I was in Vegas. Ok so maybe just the airport but it was still Vegas. I left the jet-way, went to the bathroom, and promptly lost 30 bucks in one of the airports many slot machines. I believe this one was a wheel of fortune themed slot; anyway, it wasn’t very fortunate. After my initial loss and disappointment I decided to go and find something to fill my tummy.
Airports are funny; no matter where you are it always seems like the same, people, whether you are in Kansas or Poughkeepsie. The biggest group one finds at the airport is families heading out to Disney World, or Hawaii or wherever. Next up are your businessmen, always rushed, always with a coffee stain on their crisp white shirt and always talking about their connections. (“I got a puddle jumper comin' out of LAX heading straight for ABQ and from there I catch the red-eye out to BUF…”)
Next you have your college freshmen and sophomores heading home for spring break because mommy wont let them go to Cancun, and last but not least you have your random travelers, people like I was last weekend, heading out to Abrahams bar-mitzvah, or out to visit an ailing mother, or, in my case, visiting their family for a graduation etcetera.
But as I looked around the Las Vegas Airport, It was different, it was … a little off. In the Las Vegas airport you have a plethora of still drunk sorority girls and drug addled frat boys passed out on the seats, the floor, and frankly anywhere else they could find a spot to rest what was left of their over stimulated brains, 45 year old Muscle bound meatheads with more bedazzles on there shirts and pants than their highly plastic “I 50 but don’t I look like I’m 25?” girlfriends, showgirls just off a shift working their second job a Sbarro, and a full wedding party for a couple of 19 year olds that will no doubt be divorced in 3 months. All this on top of your vacationing families, businessmen, and other random travelers, all in all it makes for some good people watching, people trying to get that last little bit of the Vegas lifestyle before they have to go back to their real jobs as accountants and plumbers.
I kind-of like that Vegas exists. Its comforting in some weird way to know that if I go completely mental and decide to dress up and act like Elvis, or better yet Marilyn Monroe everyday for the rest of my life, Ill have some place to go. A place where I can be as strange as I want because I guarantee that just down the street in front of the Palms there is someone much more peculiar and more twisted than I. So Viva Las Vegas, but just remember, not everything that happens there will stay there. Except your money, that will definitely stay there
Airports are funny; no matter where you are it always seems like the same, people, whether you are in Kansas or Poughkeepsie. The biggest group one finds at the airport is families heading out to Disney World, or Hawaii or wherever. Next up are your businessmen, always rushed, always with a coffee stain on their crisp white shirt and always talking about their connections. (“I got a puddle jumper comin' out of LAX heading straight for ABQ and from there I catch the red-eye out to BUF…”)
Next you have your college freshmen and sophomores heading home for spring break because mommy wont let them go to Cancun, and last but not least you have your random travelers, people like I was last weekend, heading out to Abrahams bar-mitzvah, or out to visit an ailing mother, or, in my case, visiting their family for a graduation etcetera.
But as I looked around the Las Vegas Airport, It was different, it was … a little off. In the Las Vegas airport you have a plethora of still drunk sorority girls and drug addled frat boys passed out on the seats, the floor, and frankly anywhere else they could find a spot to rest what was left of their over stimulated brains, 45 year old Muscle bound meatheads with more bedazzles on there shirts and pants than their highly plastic “I 50 but don’t I look like I’m 25?” girlfriends, showgirls just off a shift working their second job a Sbarro, and a full wedding party for a couple of 19 year olds that will no doubt be divorced in 3 months. All this on top of your vacationing families, businessmen, and other random travelers, all in all it makes for some good people watching, people trying to get that last little bit of the Vegas lifestyle before they have to go back to their real jobs as accountants and plumbers.
I kind-of like that Vegas exists. Its comforting in some weird way to know that if I go completely mental and decide to dress up and act like Elvis, or better yet Marilyn Monroe everyday for the rest of my life, Ill have some place to go. A place where I can be as strange as I want because I guarantee that just down the street in front of the Palms there is someone much more peculiar and more twisted than I. So Viva Las Vegas, but just remember, not everything that happens there will stay there. Except your money, that will definitely stay there
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Great White North
I’ve just got off the plane in Spokane. Good God flying is a pain in the ass. I walked out of the stuffy plane do a river of water falling from the sky. In New Mexico we call it rain, here they just call it everyday. I stepped off the plain and into an atmosphere so thick with air I felt like I could chew. That what going from 6,000’ above sea level to damn near close to it will do to you. I immediately noticed when I reached the terminal, other than that I had grossly miscalculated the weather, how absolutely white everyone is. And I don’t mean white strictly by the color of skin but something more, deeper I guess. This is small town America. I gaze around me while I wait for Rachel to hurry up and get here and almost everyone has that dumpy, meat and potatoes look you would expect to find in rural Kansas. The kind of look that, if you’re from a city as ethnically diverse as Albuquerque, is actually startling and strange to see. Of course the north was settled largely by Scandinavians who upon landing somewhere in the middle of the east coast, a temperate climate, decided that this was just to normal, and headed inland. And as they traveled they drank, as is the custom for Finns’ or Danes’ or whatever, and as they drank they started to drift slightly to the right eventually ending up in the north. When they finally got here and realized that it more than slightly resembled home I’m sure the women were happy and the husbands were pissed.
“Ingrid, Why did we come all this way, uproot the children and family, spend what little life savings we had and travel hundreds of thousands of miles for the same crappy climate we left?" They would say.
“Calm down Sven, at least theirs plenty of pine for a cabin. We can make it just the same!”
He dreaming of sipping Mai Thais’ with scantily clad natives in Florida, she’s making a pine wreath for the door.
“This is not what the brochure promised.”
People of the north are resilient and loyal, because they have to be. Or rather had to be to survive, and its still holding on from the age of gold rushes and Indian wars (a group would have had to stick together) to the new era of Wal-Marts and KFC. And I kind of like that. You get the feeling everyone has got your back, as opposed to feeling like you have to watch it. But it cold, and I’m not prepared for it. When I left Albuquerque it was going to be 100 degrees, It 51 and raining and all I brought was one light sweater. I guess I should have checked the weather. Ill Just have to suck it up and deal. Welcome to the great white north…
“Ingrid, Why did we come all this way, uproot the children and family, spend what little life savings we had and travel hundreds of thousands of miles for the same crappy climate we left?" They would say.
“Calm down Sven, at least theirs plenty of pine for a cabin. We can make it just the same!”
He dreaming of sipping Mai Thais’ with scantily clad natives in Florida, she’s making a pine wreath for the door.
“This is not what the brochure promised.”
People of the north are resilient and loyal, because they have to be. Or rather had to be to survive, and its still holding on from the age of gold rushes and Indian wars (a group would have had to stick together) to the new era of Wal-Marts and KFC. And I kind of like that. You get the feeling everyone has got your back, as opposed to feeling like you have to watch it. But it cold, and I’m not prepared for it. When I left Albuquerque it was going to be 100 degrees, It 51 and raining and all I brought was one light sweater. I guess I should have checked the weather. Ill Just have to suck it up and deal. Welcome to the great white north…
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The American Way
I work at a car dealership. Day in and day out I pedal overpriced, under-reliable British automobiles to the elite of the Albuquerque public. Our cars are fast, fun, expensive, and absolutely the best SUV money can buy. Its actually the official car of the British aristocracy. And in an interesting side note it will actually out four-wheel any other car on the market bar none. Well that is when it is taken off road.
I would say that about 99% of our customers will never take it off the pavement in any way, except for the gravel drive up to the summer home. These people don’t know what they are capable of, and half the time don’t even know what their last name is. They are buying the badge and cant pay attention long enough to a lowly salesman to answer their own questions. This is a conversation I have on a daily basis:
Me: So this car is equipped with heated and cooled front and rear seats, a heated steering wheel as well as a heated front windshield.
Customer: Oh… is that navigation?
Me: yes it’s a 30-gigabyte hard drive navigation system, all touch screen as standard.
Customer: (after looking around for 30 or so seconds) ooh are these heated seats?
Me: Yes, it also has cooled seats.
Customer: Cooled seats… Wow. What’s this screen?
Me: That’s the navigation system.
Customer: Oh it has Nav, Is that standard? Is this real leather?
Me: yes all real leather and real wood.
Customer: Are you sure?
Me: Yes its real leather.
Customer: heated?
This passage is literally not an exaggeration. These people are capable of running multi million dollar companies but cant remember that the car has heated seats.
That’s not true actually; they aren’t running multi million dollar companies, Those just have their secretary call and cut us a check. These nitwits are what we call the wannabees. Interestingly these are the people we sell more cars to, not the people that can actually afford them. These people come in, and you can spot them from the second they drive up in their Lexus with there Gucci purse and Armani sunglasses. These are the type of people that ask “what are the payments gonna be.” Or “I don’t care what it cost what is the least I can pay every month.” These poor souls are literally budgeting to the last dollar and then some so their friends can see them in a Range Rover, they have credit card debt from clothes that cant afford, Home loans for houses in the best neighborhoods, and owe $50,000 on a car that’s only worth $30,000.
And what to they do?
Me: sir do you know how much you and your wife owe on the Lexus?
Customer: I think its like $36 grand or something well sir we just looked it up and you owe $49,000
Customer: Oh… Well how much will you give me for it?
Me: about $29,500.
Customer: Oh, Can you do any better?
Me: No
Customer: Ok well how much is that Range Rover?
Me: That Range Rover Sport is $67,000
Customer: That’s OK, Just role over what we owe from the Lexus into the new loan?
Me: Are you sure that makes the it an $87,000 loan with a monthly payment of $1600 (way more than my house payment by the way)
Customer: That’s fine. I mean why pay now when you don't have to right?!
I honestly believe that this is what’s wrong with America. Because if we cant afford it we just finance it, because we want it right now. God forbid we might have to work a little harder or a little longer. After all why pay now right! And sadly I’m contributing to the problem selling me wares to an ignorant society. I don’t feel to bad though. I mean Its not doing anything to harm our economy right now! We will worry about that the next time the market crashes right? After all it’s the American way.
I would say that about 99% of our customers will never take it off the pavement in any way, except for the gravel drive up to the summer home. These people don’t know what they are capable of, and half the time don’t even know what their last name is. They are buying the badge and cant pay attention long enough to a lowly salesman to answer their own questions. This is a conversation I have on a daily basis:
Me: So this car is equipped with heated and cooled front and rear seats, a heated steering wheel as well as a heated front windshield.
Customer: Oh… is that navigation?
Me: yes it’s a 30-gigabyte hard drive navigation system, all touch screen as standard.
Customer: (after looking around for 30 or so seconds) ooh are these heated seats?
Me: Yes, it also has cooled seats.
Customer: Cooled seats… Wow. What’s this screen?
Me: That’s the navigation system.
Customer: Oh it has Nav, Is that standard? Is this real leather?
Me: yes all real leather and real wood.
Customer: Are you sure?
Me: Yes its real leather.
Customer: heated?
This passage is literally not an exaggeration. These people are capable of running multi million dollar companies but cant remember that the car has heated seats.
That’s not true actually; they aren’t running multi million dollar companies, Those just have their secretary call and cut us a check. These nitwits are what we call the wannabees. Interestingly these are the people we sell more cars to, not the people that can actually afford them. These people come in, and you can spot them from the second they drive up in their Lexus with there Gucci purse and Armani sunglasses. These are the type of people that ask “what are the payments gonna be.” Or “I don’t care what it cost what is the least I can pay every month.” These poor souls are literally budgeting to the last dollar and then some so their friends can see them in a Range Rover, they have credit card debt from clothes that cant afford, Home loans for houses in the best neighborhoods, and owe $50,000 on a car that’s only worth $30,000.
And what to they do?
Me: sir do you know how much you and your wife owe on the Lexus?
Customer: I think its like $36 grand or something well sir we just looked it up and you owe $49,000
Customer: Oh… Well how much will you give me for it?
Me: about $29,500.
Customer: Oh, Can you do any better?
Me: No
Customer: Ok well how much is that Range Rover?
Me: That Range Rover Sport is $67,000
Customer: That’s OK, Just role over what we owe from the Lexus into the new loan?
Me: Are you sure that makes the it an $87,000 loan with a monthly payment of $1600 (way more than my house payment by the way)
Customer: That’s fine. I mean why pay now when you don't have to right?!
I honestly believe that this is what’s wrong with America. Because if we cant afford it we just finance it, because we want it right now. God forbid we might have to work a little harder or a little longer. After all why pay now right! And sadly I’m contributing to the problem selling me wares to an ignorant society. I don’t feel to bad though. I mean Its not doing anything to harm our economy right now! We will worry about that the next time the market crashes right? After all it’s the American way.
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