Derelict Couture

What is it with kids these days? What the heck are they wearing? I mean, I don’t want to sound like a liver spotted old curmudgeon, but seriously? If you haven’t in a while, just take a walk around the nearest liberal arts college and just have a look. It would seem like the current fashion is to see who can spend the most money to look the most homeless. $180 oil stained T-shirt? Sure! $250 Paint splattered jeans? Yup. (which is ridiculous because ill sell you my old work jeans for a fiver)
I consider myself to be trendy or stylish or whatever, but this is just too far. I just can’t hang with this new “Derelict Couture.” I mean really seriously look around, it looks like were living in a production of Stomp. Its time for someone to take a stand, to say “what the hell are you wearing, nobody likes this. Your friends don’t even like this.” Somebody’s got to do it. I guess I will. There have been some epically bad style trends over the past 2 years, the worst of which is the ed hardy/affliction/ true religion trend.
Ed Hardy, the picture of what is wrong with America. First there was the Ed Hardy shirts on sale for $300 at your favorite boutique and for some reason every celebrity f**ktard and eurotrash wannabe on the planet had to have one. Then they started to show up in Dillards for a little less, then they hit the discount store like Ross for $30 bucks and suddenly every sleazy grease-ball in America could afford it. And they bought them by the truckloads. Christian Audigier, the creator of Ed Hardy, realized the potential of this and started to make absolutely everything with the Ed Hardy logo on it. Sneakers, underwear, car floor mats sold at Wal-Mart, bandanas, air fresheners toilet paper, (seriously) fingernail clippers, socks, and temporary tattoos. It just went to far. If you want to look like Brad Clooney or Orlando Efron, just give it up, you don’t look like them. And no amount of white sunglasses and sequined shirts is going to help. You’re a plumber, deal with it. And don’t go thinking you can get away with Affliction, it’s the same crap just shinier. And don’t even get me started on the True Religion BS. Just because you spend $350 on a pair of jeans doesn’t mean your interesting. It means you’re most likely dense, because no one with a working brain would spend $350 on a pair of jeans and be OK with it. There should be a set of rules for men’s fashion. In fact here they are in case you’re reading this in your Ed Hardy underwear.

1. No white sunglasses, Its black or tortoise shell only.
2. No puka shell necklaces. Period.
3. No jeans with flip-flops after dusk. When you’re going out at night put some damn shoes on. Even during the day its questionable, but ill let it pass
4. Buy clothes that fit, no skinny jeans.
5. Please don’t whiten your teeth or get a fake tan. Everyone can tell and everyone thinks you’re a prick.
6. No sequins or shiny foil on your shirts.
7. No sweatpants or workout clothes in public, Going to see a movie in a red tracksuit is not cool. (and women, NO PAJAMAS IN PUBLIC! I don’t care if your in college and your late for your class, put some clothes on and dry your hair)

That’s all I’ve got right now. If you think of something else please add it to the list. And for god sake, stop getting dressed in the dark, you look like a garbage man.