The past is hilarious #2

Yet Another Broken Resolution

Cory Campbell
feb 26, 2006

So the New Year has come and past. In fact, we are just past the two month mark. With the New Year well on its way I've had plenty of time to wallow in the self pity of knowing I'm a loser. I had two resolutions going into the year of our lord 20-06 and two days in I was two resolutions down. The first of my two broken resolutions was to not make fun of other people as much as I had been. Needless to say this resolution was broken within the first five minutes of the New Year. But what can you expect? I'm not perfect. Get off my back! The second on my list of New Years' hopes was, just like everyone ells on the planet, to "get fit." You know, just get ripped or something. But, just like everyone ells on the planet, I failed. It wasn't until the next morning when I found myself eating a healthy portion of chocolate chip pancakes from V I (that's village inn for the uninformed) that I came to the staunch realization that I was not going to put the time or effort into getting in shape this year, so why even try just to let myself down. My resolutions were broken and so was I.
As each year passes it seems that I go through the same thing. Year after long, uneventful year. So here is my suggestion for avoiding the New Years doldrums. Don't make a list of resolutions. The word resolution suggests that you've done something wrong; it has a very negative connotation. Instead of looking at the glass half empty we need to start the year off with our glasses half full. Why don't we simply make a list of "possibilities" for the upcoming year, this way if we don't get around to making our lives better we can write if of by saying something like "Well, it was just a suggestion anyway right?." Or, "So what! I've got all year, besides these are only possible solutions to my routine, mundane existence." And that's the one thing you have to keep telling yourself for my sure fire method of new years happiness to work. They're only possibilities, and remember the old adage, the possibilities are endless.
While we are on the subject of the New Year I would like to share with you my list of possibilities for 2006.

Get a job: Hey why not? I could use a little extra money. The only problem I see with this one is that fact that I have no desirable, employable skills, except one that I just thought of. I've made so many sandwiches in my life. I have made so many sandwiches that I don't even have to think about making sandwiches anymore, it just comes naturally. I think that is a very desirable skill.
Start Smoking: I know what you're thinking. How could I possibly consider this to be a positive possibility for 2006? Well let me tell you. Quitting smoking is one of the most respected things a person can do. If I take up smoking and then quit everyone will be super proud of me! And lets be honest my ego could use the occasional "good job!" and "I'm proud of you."
Not get Arrested: Lets just face the facts, any year you don't get arrested is a good year.
Win the Nobel Peace Prize: I figure I'm just as likely a candidate as the next guy. I might as well win it. And remember, these are just possibilities; it doesn't mean I have to actually do all of this.
Stop Procrastination: I really just don't have anything to write about this other than the fact that I know for sure that I'm not going to get around to this one.
Get a Girlfriend: One thing I will never understand is how the ugliest, stupidest Guys are always with the most beautiful women, while I, a perfectly normal, somewhat entertaining individual, cannot even get a girl to glance in my direction. So here is my proposal, if you are hot, a girl, and have a nice car, give me a call. If not then don't bother. (Maybe my expectations are too high)
Add more to the List: I've got all year right? So why do I have to do it all now?

The past is hillarious

I found a bunch of old articles I wrote in the past for various publications. I am going to start posting these up here. enjoy!

Chad not Charlie
February 2006
By Cory Campbell

I have this Neighbor who… Wait a minute let me start over.
Have you ever had someone call you by the wrong name for as long as you know but for some reason you just haven't bothered to tell them your real name? I have this neighbor who for some reason called me Charlie for the longest time. Charlie? I mean come on, that's not even close! But for one reason or another I just never told him the truth, my real name, besides, I kind of liked Charlie. I grew accustomed to the alternate lifestyle it allowed me to not only create, but to live out. At school or at work, or wherever, I was just Cory, period, just plane, old, boring Cory. But when I saw that neighbor I was Charlie! Hell Yea! I could be anything I wanted and before you know it I was a legend. Everyone around the world (or at least the greater Gleneagles neighborhood association) was hearing stories of the great Charlie.
The worst part about this scenario is that the neighbor is bound to find out somehow, it's inevitable, it's going to happen. At some time during some bar-b-q, or another block party some inept friend or family member is going to let the proverbial cat out of the bag, and I'm going to go back to plane old boring Cory. And I know this is going to be the most awkward day of my life when it does happen.
When my neighbor found out he was just like, "so, your names not Charlie?" I start to panic and think to myself, "I love Charlie! I need Charlie! I've been Charlie for like two years how can I not be Charlie!" (I got a little attached to the alternate Persona it allowed me to create.)
I'm definitely feeling more awkward at this moment than a pre-teen in a gym class locker-room. I'm fumbling for words, "I'm Sorry… I just didn't…" Then he said the most beautiful thing I've ever herd. "Why didn't you just tell me your name was Chad? It would have been fine to just correct me." YES! I can keep living the lie! Chad, Yea, I like that. I think I can do something with Chad.