The past is hilarious #2

Yet Another Broken Resolution

Cory Campbell
feb 26, 2006

So the New Year has come and past. In fact, we are just past the two month mark. With the New Year well on its way I've had plenty of time to wallow in the self pity of knowing I'm a loser. I had two resolutions going into the year of our lord 20-06 and two days in I was two resolutions down. The first of my two broken resolutions was to not make fun of other people as much as I had been. Needless to say this resolution was broken within the first five minutes of the New Year. But what can you expect? I'm not perfect. Get off my back! The second on my list of New Years' hopes was, just like everyone ells on the planet, to "get fit." You know, just get ripped or something. But, just like everyone ells on the planet, I failed. It wasn't until the next morning when I found myself eating a healthy portion of chocolate chip pancakes from V I (that's village inn for the uninformed) that I came to the staunch realization that I was not going to put the time or effort into getting in shape this year, so why even try just to let myself down. My resolutions were broken and so was I.
As each year passes it seems that I go through the same thing. Year after long, uneventful year. So here is my suggestion for avoiding the New Years doldrums. Don't make a list of resolutions. The word resolution suggests that you've done something wrong; it has a very negative connotation. Instead of looking at the glass half empty we need to start the year off with our glasses half full. Why don't we simply make a list of "possibilities" for the upcoming year, this way if we don't get around to making our lives better we can write if of by saying something like "Well, it was just a suggestion anyway right?." Or, "So what! I've got all year, besides these are only possible solutions to my routine, mundane existence." And that's the one thing you have to keep telling yourself for my sure fire method of new years happiness to work. They're only possibilities, and remember the old adage, the possibilities are endless.
While we are on the subject of the New Year I would like to share with you my list of possibilities for 2006.

Get a job: Hey why not? I could use a little extra money. The only problem I see with this one is that fact that I have no desirable, employable skills, except one that I just thought of. I've made so many sandwiches in my life. I have made so many sandwiches that I don't even have to think about making sandwiches anymore, it just comes naturally. I think that is a very desirable skill.
Start Smoking: I know what you're thinking. How could I possibly consider this to be a positive possibility for 2006? Well let me tell you. Quitting smoking is one of the most respected things a person can do. If I take up smoking and then quit everyone will be super proud of me! And lets be honest my ego could use the occasional "good job!" and "I'm proud of you."
Not get Arrested: Lets just face the facts, any year you don't get arrested is a good year.
Win the Nobel Peace Prize: I figure I'm just as likely a candidate as the next guy. I might as well win it. And remember, these are just possibilities; it doesn't mean I have to actually do all of this.
Stop Procrastination: I really just don't have anything to write about this other than the fact that I know for sure that I'm not going to get around to this one.
Get a Girlfriend: One thing I will never understand is how the ugliest, stupidest Guys are always with the most beautiful women, while I, a perfectly normal, somewhat entertaining individual, cannot even get a girl to glance in my direction. So here is my proposal, if you are hot, a girl, and have a nice car, give me a call. If not then don't bother. (Maybe my expectations are too high)
Add more to the List: I've got all year right? So why do I have to do it all now?